none of this is true.

a piece i wrote up for freelove magazine. after reading some of my other work, they gave me the word ‘inappropriate’  as a loose thematic starting point, so i wrote this:


‘none of this is true’

I walked onto a train today, sat down and started to read. There was a nasty smell hanging in the air so I checked to make sure I hadn’t sat in a puddle of cheap piss. It turned out someone had taken a perfectly formed shit on the carriage and spewed up next to it.

I got as close as I could, held my breath and took some photos.

Your girlfriend always goes for my lips when I lean in for a casual greeting kiss. I consciously turn my face like you would normally do for a cheek peck,  but she always manages to get a bit of lip.

Even though you broke my heart I know I shouldn’t have slept with two of your friends, particularly the one you had a falling out with. I remember the first one getting into bed with me after drinking vodka all night and pretending she wasn’t going to have sex with me because of you. She wore my favourite blue jumper the next morning, the same one you looked so beautiful in because it matched your eyes. I can still remember enjoying her cute little ass popping out the bottom as she made me a stovetop espresso.

The second friend had the most sensibly sized fake tits I’ve ever seen. I fucked her from behind without a condom and we came at the same time. I asked her why she wanted to have sex with me and she said “for fun”, but I think we both knew it was more about you.

The first time I ever masturbated was after watching this bizarre adult cartoon about a woman with a massive leather-strapped bust who was some sort of mystical, sword wielding, monster-slaying warrior. There were naked sex scenes and when I went to take a piss I found this new transparent sticky substance on the end of my cock.

I then went out into the hall and had my first orgasm all over the wall.

When I was a teenager, I was peer pressured into having shots of whisky. I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing and ended up leaving in my car so no one would think I was uncool for feeling sick. I then projectile vomited all over the dashboard and into my air conditioning vents. I snuck home and stole some towels and air freshener so I could clean up the interior.

Afterwards, still in a panic, I hid the towels in the bushes a few hundred metres up the road. A week or so later our pet dog sniffed them out whilst you took him for a walk. You asked me why you had found our distinctive bath towels at the top of the street covered in vomit and I blamed my sister’s friends.

I recently had a sex dream about your girlfriend and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I’m the person that caught you wanking left handed with your pants down around your ankles in your parent’s lounge when we were eighteen. I thought it would be hilarious to hit the window really loudly and run away into the night.

I never told you it was me.

We were at a gig and I was absolutely shit-faced drunk and stoned. You had an amazing neck, great skin and nice teeth and asked if you could drive us home. The car ride was taxing – all I remember is streaky lights, wet windows and a general sense of disorientation. Later, when I was sucking on your perfect pussy I had to concentrate on not throwing up because I was so smashed. I know I couldn’t get it up properly and I don’t remember falling asleep, but I’m pretty sure I passed out whilst you were trying to ride my partially erect cock.

What I do remember is waking up next to you – cold, completely naked, except for thin black odd socks. I made my way down the stairs, through the warehouse (still naked) and up to the bathroom. I was swaying from side to side and still quite drunk so I had to sit down to take a piss. As soon as I relieved the pressure I experienced a bizarre, warm-wet sensation around my cock and realised I was pissing into a flaccid condom.

In retrospect, both times I’ve slept with you I’ve performed awfully.

When we were sixteen and watching late night B grade pornos, I snuck off into the bathroom and masturbated into your sink whilst fantasising about your sister.

I never told you I have video footage of us having sex. There’s a part where you moan “you’re a machine”, which always makes me laugh because I was so young and had no idea what I was doing. I think you knew at the time that I was filming because you kept saying things like “why is the red light flashing on the camera?”.

I wasn’t in love with you any more.


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One Response to none of this is true.

  1. andrew f says:

    OH james, you so funny


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